The Scene staff
The Oxford dictionary gives four definitions of “relationship”:
1. The way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected. Example: “The study will assess the relationship between unemployment and political attitudes.”
2. The state of being connected by blood or marriage Example: “They can trace their relationship to a common ancestor.”
3. The way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other. Example: “She was proud of her good relationship with the staff.”
4. An emotional and sexual association between two people. Example: “She has a daughter from a previous relationship.”
I wanted to make sure that I understood the meaning of the word before I wrote a column about it. But simple definitions can’t capture the complex nature of real relationships in our lives.
Some people say a relationship is like glass. Once broken, you can never put it back together the way it was. Why is that?
Maybe the answer is that humans are just complex organisms, ever evolving at their own pace. As a result, even their simplest relationships are full of intricacies.
Take a moment to think about how children enter this broken world. Most are born to parents who are clueless as to what or how to make a relationship work, whether it’s platonic or romantic, a friendship or family bond.
Most parents aren’t educated, given the proper tools or even encouraged to maintain healthy relationships. Then they try to raise children who have no other reference points.
I’m not speaking from a place of bitterness or hatred. I’m wondering with pure curiosity, “Why it is so challenging to find companionship or maintain relationships, whether we’re born into them or find them later in life?”
Why is it that many of our favorite memories were made with people who are strangers to us now? What makes family members become so intolerable at times? How is it that the person you said you’d spend the rest of your life with can become so unfamiliar in a matter of seconds?
Perhaps one reason is that there’s often a communication gap. “Communication” is another word that’s often thrown around without guidelines on what it means or all that it entails. It’s also is very complex.
How many times have you been told that, “Oh, it was just a misunderstanding,” but you weren’t sure how to go about fixing the problem?
One thing I’ve found helpful is reminding myself to not assume what people are trying to communicate to me and instead make absolutely sure I’m understanding them clearly. It’s better to ask questions then be confused or have your feelings hurt over something you think someone meant.
Secondly, I set clear boundaries, whether it be with siblings, other family members, friends or people in my professional world. I decide exactly what I want from each relationship and what I’m willing to give. I try to follow the Golden Rule.
Third (and I learned this one from my brother), I think it’s important to do a regular checkup to make sure your partner, family member or friend is happy with where a relationship is at or where it’s going. Maybe every six months, you should ask “Are we still OK? Are we still valid? Are our emotional needs being met?”
Fourth, I try to be vocal in articulating when I’m not happy or something is bothering me, instead of keeping it bottled up or sharing my unhappiness with someone other than the person who has caused me to be upset.
Finally, I work at taking responsibility for any inconvenience or sadness I have cause in a relationship. I find this to be very healthy and healing.
Almost everyone can agree that keeping a relationship happy and healthy is a difficult task. But we all have people in our lives who are worth the trouble and work.