The Scene staff
The 22nd annual Purina Beggin’ Strips pet parade marched through Soulard last month as part of St. Louis’ annual Mardi Gras celebration. It attracted an estimated 80,000 people and 8,000 animals, mostly dogs.
I met several dogs that morning that were quite vocal. So this issue, I’ve decided to turn my column over to a black-and-white mixed breed named Harley. Take it away, my four-legged friend.
“Greetings, human readers, and thank you, Don, for letting me voice my opinion. I speak for all animals, not just my canine brothers and sisters, although the pet parade is mostly a doggy gathering.
“I observed some rabbits, an understandably nervous cat and even a goat. So, I am essentially speaking, or barking, for all of the animal kingdom today. And what we have to say may shock you.
“Stop dressing us up! The human race is the only species on this planet that wears clothes. I realize that you people have evolved and lost all of your fur over the eons, but we haven’t.
“We have all the covering we need — feathers, fur, scales, hides — so you don’t need to buy clothes for us. Hats, bandanas, sunglasses, tutus, gowns, socks … really? I even saw one of my sisters in a wig.
“We already have hair. And we don’t need glitter, body paint, beads, feathers, necklaces, nail-polish or tiaras. We’re not interested in entering the Miss Universe pageant.
“There are many reasons to think dogs are man’s best friends. We absolutely love trying to please our masters. I mean, you do feed us, right?
“We sniff out drugs and explosives for law enforcement and serve in the U.S. military. We assist people with disabilities, especially the visually impaired. We can detect signs of an impending seizure. We help those with post-traumatic stress disorder.
“We guard your possessions and protect your families. In the old days, we searched for lost skiers with kegs of rum hanging from our necks. We were called in after 9-11 to help find survivors and bodies in the World Trade Center rubble.
“We herd your livestock, help you track animals on hunting trips, retrieve waterfowl, look for lost children and bring you newspapers and slippers. We try our best not to urinate in your homes.
“These are but a few of the ways that my species strives to please and serve. I even have a cousin that can fetch his owner a can of beer from the refrigerator!
“You give us ridiculous names — Fluffy, Spot, Skip, Duke, Bear — and many of them aren’t gender-specific. I would prefer the name “Mitch,” but I have to answer to “Harley.”
“We tolerate bad haircuts, toenail trimmings, choke and shock collars that are supposed to teach us lessons; shots, spaying and neutering. And don’t even get me started on anal gland cleansing.
“We can deal with the occasional newspaper swats, but all that yelling and loud music in the house is a bit much. Don’t you know our ears are very sensitive? Then there are the toddlers who push, pull, lay and step on us. Can’t you see the despair on our faces?
“I don’t know if you realize our sense of smell is thousands of times more sensitive than that of humans. Please do not call me to come visit with you when you are sitting on the toilet.
“And when you feel the need to play dress-up, buy a doll. Costuming an animal for a special event, even only a couple times a year, is bizarre and humiliating.
“What if life forms in other galaxies are observing us here on Earth? Who would they think is in charge of this planet? You’re the ones picking up dog poop.
“Humans are intellectually superior creatures who seem to derive enjoyment and pleasure from parading us around in ill-fitting clothes. But how can I scratch myself with shoes on? Someone please call PETA. I have an itch that needs to be scratched.”