The Scene staff
There’s no question that I’m addicted to technology.
I love new gadgets and devices, and all those things that make our lives easier, while at the same time making life more complex and adding junk to keep on my person.
In the past decade, we’ve seen the evolution of the smartphone, of motion-controlled video games, of 3D televisions, iPads and e-readers. Google has introduced its Glass device, a wearable computer that, while looking really, really nerdy, does a lot of cool stuff.
But perhaps the most important technological innovation in our time was just announced late in February. Its introduction could turn the world on its ear. Convenience has never been more convenient and I, for one, feel lucky to live in such an extraordinary time. And it’s combining my other favorite thing: cheap, faux-Mexican food.
I speak, of course, about Taco Bell’s Feb. 14 announcement that the restaurant chain will begin taking orders via a smartphone app.
I know, I know. You’re saying to yourself, “Scott, this is the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard. Your shoddy words and mediocre writing can do no justice to this monumental event in human history.”
Well, I’m going to try anyway, and frankly, I’m a little offended that you didn’t at least give me a chance.
Growing up, I didn’t have close access to a Taco Bell. My town had Dairy Queen. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some DQ, but my hometown’s choices were limited. Eventually, we got a Pizza Hut, an Arby’s, and when I was in high school, a McDonald’s.
While there were always rumors that Taco Bell was going to come to Winamac, Ind., to this day the town has no avenues to run for the border or think outside the bun.
But now that I live here in St. Louis (specifically, Dogtown), I live within minutes of not just one, but two Taco Bells. The Taco Bell on Hampton is literally a one-minute walk from my house; the other is on Manchester near the K-Mart. The former is newly rebuilt and the service is pretty great; the service isn’t as good at the latter, but it’s never busy.
I’m truly living my life “más.”
Or at least I thought so until the Valentine’s Day announcement. Taco Bell, in a stroke of genius that rivals anything done by Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, or even the guy who invented the wide-mouth beer can, has made buying and eating tacos and chalupas even easier.
According to USA Today, users of the earth-shattering Taco Bell app will greet customers according to the time of day. They’ll be presented a menu, pricing, hours and directions to the closest restaurant.
In perhaps the clearest example of charity since Mother Teresa found herself in Calcutta, Taco Bell’s app will helpfully suggest items to complement your choices of cuisine.
The system will rely on phones’ GPS locators to track when the user is near — ensuring that my seven-layer burrito will be hot and fresh when I get there. Are you kidding me? That’s awesome!
This latest move only serves to confirm my love for all things grandé. From my youth when three soft tacos could make me forget about even the stretchiest of Stretch Armstrongs, to my younger 20’s when a meal number 8 helped soak up all the alcohol at 3:30 a.m. every Saturday night, to now when I’m 32 and say, “Screw my health, I’m making a run to the border for dinner,” Taco Bell has been there for me.
My only beef (or should I say, pink slime?) with Taco Bell is that they made the announcement so early. The app won’t be released until later this year, meaning I have at least six months and as many as nine before I can download it.
Taco Bell, if you’re listening and want to send me a beta copy of the app, you can have my firstborn in the deal. Or, if you just want to send me a gift card for promoting your wonderful taco empire in The Scene, that works, too.
If not, don’t worry, you won’t lose me as a customer. I’ll just be waiting with bated breath for you to continue to improve my life.
Oh, and bringing back the volcano taco wouldn’t hurt, either.